Deep thoughts

So much has happened the last few months since I have written and I decided that maybe I would be selfish and make my blog a little more about me and a little less about trying to put on a perfect face for everyone especially since I only have 6 followers I am only putting 6 people out right! lol. I want to make this a little more a journal and an expression of the things that are going on in my head in an effort to heal and move forward.

In December I found out that I did not pass my block II nursing classes....this was definitely one of the biggest trials I have ever had in my life. I fell into a really good depression and have just barely dug myself out. I was devastated to say the least. I have never failed at anything that I have put my mind to and I definitely put my mind to nursing school and to come up short was almost more than I could take. I did have a lot happen last semester but my series of unfortunate events just couldn't ease my heart, mind,or self esteem. It just didn't make sense to me why I would have to go through this when I knew I knew the content well enough to move on. I felt like such a FAILURE with a capital F. I have however, finally come to terms with the set back and I am in the process of repeating block II at a different community college and have finally stopped being angry and am actively participating in classes.

There have been so many things on my mind lately. I have experienced a lot of death and discouragement the last six months, losing Grandma Ward has been so hard, she was such and important part of my life and also losing Aunt Mary. It hit me on Monday that this was the first birthday ever that I was not going to have a phone call or card from my grandma Ward and I just cried and cried about it. Birthdays are not even really that important to me but,it was another reminder that she is no longer here and she has ALWAYS been there for everything important in my life. I cannot ever say enough what a special lady she was. There was not a single time that I can remember when my grandma ever made me feel anything but loved. She never disciplined with guilt or violence only unconditional love. I always loved to be around her because I felt like I could do no wrong in her eyes, I never saw anything but my best self reflected in them. I never could understand why the best people go and the bad ones always remain.

Then there is Gaven, oh my goodness I love that boy. He has been the bright spot in my cloudy days. That boy can make anything seem okay. So happy, so pleasant, so quick to smile and be wonderful. I walked into the house just yesterday and he was playing in his exersaucer, I smiled and said hi and his face lit up in a smile from ear to ear and clear to his eyes. That little man has such a way of making me feel so special. Like I am the greatest thing on the earth, kinda like grandma always did. It almost takes my breath away how much I able capable of loving him and not just loving him but loving him unconditionally. I really do hate every minute I have to be away from him even though it is because I am trying to make a better future for him.

Finally, I need to express gratitude for family...I have an especially huge spot in my heart for my sister Kara and her family. No matter how many times I say it I don't know if she will ever know how much it means to me that she takes care of Gaven...not only takes care of him but loves him like her own. She is like a second mom to him and it is a huge burden lifted that I know he is with someone who loves him and takes good care of him when I cannot be there to snuggy him and rock him to sleep at night. I also need to mention that I have a wonderful mother in law who lets me call and vent about her son whom I love dearly but sometimes needs to pull his head out of his ass! I can talk to her about it and she is always so supportive. That is a rare find.